Dirty Little Secrets from When I was Fat

I thought it would be fun to spill the beans on all the irrational shit I would do before I lost weight.

1. Wearing black because it is supposed to be slenderizing.

2.Repeatedly bingeing at night, not eating enough the next day, then  bingeing again that night… and the cycle continued.

3. Wearing exercise clothes to make other people think you are coming from/ going to the gym.

4. I used to lie about my weight constantly. Like it’s just a number and it clearly does not change anything about what is right in front of you.

5. The Red Bikini wasn’t the only time I bought something that I had no plans of wearing in the present. When I bought The Red Bikini I definitely felt more of a pull from it, but I bought things I didn’t fit in all the time. Like buying clothes a size or two down will magically make you to lose weight. Being an optimist is only useful if you are willing to implement the solutions.

6. I used to order diet sodas with my fast food. Totally logical.

7. I had a habit of watching the Biggest Loser while flopped onto my bed and eating junk food. It was glorious.

8. I used to fake check-in at the gym on Foursquare.

9. I would tell myself I was going to start a diet on Monday which would give me a great excuse to go all out until then.

10. Most of the diets I attempted involved cutting something out entirely (no grains, no sweets, etc.). The result? Bingeing on that same food group about 2 weeks later.

11. I used to order most of my clothes online because I was embarrassed to go shopping in person. Then the clothes I ordered didn’t fit right. I kind of went on a mall rat phase when I first lost weight (I had no clothes that fit me anyways). Seriously, weight loss is a great excuse to take up shopping as a new hobby.

12. I complained about my weight all the time, but rarely would I actually do shit about it.

13. I would wear Spanx all the time. We’re not just talking when you need to look nice. I would wear them on a daily basis. I made a contract with myself that I would never wear Spanx again. I think it represents the idea of not accepting yourself and feeling like you are not enough (or too much, I guess).

14. I bought countless weight loss products, joined a handful of weight loss sites and researched anything and everything relating to weight loss. I had a library of nutrition books. I read so much about nutrition that when I took a nutrition class my senior year of college, there wasn’t much new information for me. I did the same with exercise as well.  I could tell you all about all the muscle groups to work. I knew countless strategies for working out. I pretty much had the nutrition facts of the menus of every restaurant I went to learned by heart (and brain). I looked up countless scientific studies on weight loss and how to best lose weight. I was fascinated by the subject. It wasn’t only with individual weight loss. I did a ton of research about the obesity epidemic, nutrition in the education system (or lack thereof), government policies that impact the health of the population. I was kind of embarrassed about how much I knew about it all while still being overweight.   Actually taking action on my own weight problem? Haha nope. Mind over matter only goes so far, I can tell you that much.

I think the source of a lot of these  behaviors were a sense of knowing there was an issue to be dealt with, but the only motivation at the time was external. There is only so far that wanting to look good for others, impressing other people and doing something to gain more acceptance in general can push you. If you really want something and want to improve yourself, the drive has to come from within, for yourself and your own good (at least for me it does). I didn’t start taking action until I had that spark go off, until I was able to see myself at my goal weight in my own mind. Up until that point I didn’t have the drive. I didn’t have a true inner desire for it or belief in myself. I had to see it to believe it (just not necessarily in present physical reality).

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